Strange thoughts sitting up in my bed at three in the morning. The town sleeps and its noise is silenced. Even more so now than before. The populous sleeps while their shiny metal four wheeled gods lie still and quiet in the their driveways. They won’t be going anywhere today. Bible black in my bedroom and I’m aware of every heartbeat. I find myself counting them, One, two three. I hate sleep. It feels a like a temporary death and I desperately resist its icy touch. If I do sleep it is by knocking myself out with sleeping pills or Diazapam. The problem is that these drugs wear off fast and inevitably I wake at two in the morning with no chance to return to sleep.
So, here I am sitting up in bed staring into the dark. One two three. Still hallucinating like yesterday. Today though it feels less threatening. The jewels on the keyboard twinkle in delight at my inability to focus directly enough to see through the cloud of illusion and waves of sound that abide in my head and scream through the silence like a banshee. Starting to come back down a little after my high of the last few days I still feel wired and wound up, tight as a noose. A Spartan shield in my peripheral vision melts back into its natural form as a chair. A cry of anguish in the night was probably a bird call. These fuckers get up early. The early bird gets the early grave.
I reach out and feel the light switch; yellow light fills the room. There is a ringing in my ears now, high pitched and grating. Fuck, I need nicotine and I left the vape downstairs. I slip into my Levi’s and pull a jumper over my head and go downstairs. Walk into the back room and sprawl out on the sofa. The ringing still loud, I roll onto my back. The cacophonic orchestra in my ears begins to ease and my mind wanders.
Red hair drifts across my face, she laughs and skips out of my reach: wasn’t she always? We never even made it through a whole year. Passion and venom in equal measure. Not a good combo. We tore each other into submission in ten months. So she left. The girl of my dreams, still in my dreams, even now. We did however arrange to meet each other on June Sixth the following year and try again. So the time came around and I bought a ticket to Geneva having had no contact with her all year. Don’t get me started on Geneva. Pretentious place expensive bars and cafés full of skinny rich women holding things resembling dogs under their arms.
I shifted on the sofa and took a long drag on my vape. Ah nicotine mother pull me to your bosom again. I rest my head on my hands and slip again. it’s a warm day. windy too so the spray from the fountain gently prickles on the skin. Now there are people in my peripheral vision again. Striped green jersey and straw boater this time. Weird. I rub my beard and face and sit up and I’m gone again.
I’m walking and I see her 100 metres from me. My heart pounds in my chest, my ears, my neck. She must have flown here from Italy! We continue our inexorable steps toward each other. Twenty metres, ten metres, five
“Hey Nadia” I say
“Hey Richard” she answers
And we keep walking. We never spoke again. Don’t ask me to explain what happened. There was a moment , a flash, a realisation that you can move forward but not back. Second law of thermodynamics man. it’s all there, entropy always increases, from order to chaos. everything dies. But wow, those eyes.